My husband and I tried for a year to have a second child. 7 months after my daughter was born I experienced postpartum anxiety and depression. I stopped breastfeeding and started taking Zoloft. Taking an antidepressant was hard for me because I swore after I stopped taking clonazapm I’d never alter my mind and body again.
But I had to, for her. To be mentally and physically present for my daughter. She needed the best part of me. Not the anxious/depressed momma. Or the tired momma, or the scared momma. She didn’t care if I breast fed until she weaned herself. She needed me! The best of me.
The Zoloft made me start gaining weight and having irregular periods which is partly why it’s taken a year to conceive.
After a long wait on May 4th I got three positive hpt! We were thrilled! We took a picture of our 2 year old with a shirt that said “I’m going to be a big sister!” Announced to our immediate family and scheduled the first prenatal appointment.
I was in shock still so may 6th I took one more because I started cramping. It was negative. I got a beta blood test the very next day where they confirmed my levels were too low indicating I was having a chemical miscarriage and I would’ve been five weeks.
Everytime I went to the bathroom it was torture. You mc mamas understand what I mean. The reminisce of what could’ve been, what was. I felt like there was something wrong with my body.
I was reluctant to share our grief because the way society shuts peoples feelings down if they don’t understand your journey personally or choose to grieve differently. “At least you can have kids”, “be glad you already have one” or “you weren’t very far along”
I was sad, angry and hesitant to try again because to go through it again was scary. But I’m getting older and we really want to have another child.
As my first period arrival date should be approaching or has passed my grief has surfaced again. The glimpse of hope, the sadness of losing a child, and the fear of goimg through it again is just too much. Do I test? If it’s negative does that mean another chemical mc? The mental torture is tough.
The trying and failing every damn month. The hormonal shifts, the hot flashes, the pregnancy symptoms but nothing to show for it. The period symptoms that feel like pregnancy symptoms (like is that some sick joke) the comments from other humans, the grief - it’s all too much!
Dear baby #2, sweet angel. I wanted you SO bad! I wanted to hear that thumping heartbeat, I wanted to feel you squirming, I wanted the sleepless nights, the back pain, I wanted to pick out your name, I wanted the cravings, I wanted to decorate your nursery, I wanted Olyvia to have you as a little, I wanted to feel the pain from childbirth, and I wanted to see your sweet face.
I have never been so aware of life happening at conception until I became a mom with baby #1 and mourned the loss of baby #2.
A loved one gave me a book called “grieving The Child I never knew”
Lauren - I love you. Thank you!
To all the women who can’t, all the ones who have and the struggles mommahood brings. and all the ones who have but are grieving - my heart goes out to you in a big way!
Lean on God, friends and family. Or share your thoughts. There is healing and bravery in vulnerability.
Love,
Pam
But I had to, for her. To be mentally and physically present for my daughter. She needed the best part of me. Not the anxious/depressed momma. Or the tired momma, or the scared momma. She didn’t care if I breast fed until she weaned herself. She needed me! The best of me.
The Zoloft made me start gaining weight and having irregular periods which is partly why it’s taken a year to conceive.
After a long wait on May 4th I got three positive hpt! We were thrilled! We took a picture of our 2 year old with a shirt that said “I’m going to be a big sister!” Announced to our immediate family and scheduled the first prenatal appointment.
I was in shock still so may 6th I took one more because I started cramping. It was negative. I got a beta blood test the very next day where they confirmed my levels were too low indicating I was having a chemical miscarriage and I would’ve been five weeks.
Everytime I went to the bathroom it was torture. You mc mamas understand what I mean. The reminisce of what could’ve been, what was. I felt like there was something wrong with my body.
I was reluctant to share our grief because the way society shuts peoples feelings down if they don’t understand your journey personally or choose to grieve differently. “At least you can have kids”, “be glad you already have one” or “you weren’t very far along”
I was sad, angry and hesitant to try again because to go through it again was scary. But I’m getting older and we really want to have another child.
As my first period arrival date should be approaching or has passed my grief has surfaced again. The glimpse of hope, the sadness of losing a child, and the fear of goimg through it again is just too much. Do I test? If it’s negative does that mean another chemical mc? The mental torture is tough.
The trying and failing every damn month. The hormonal shifts, the hot flashes, the pregnancy symptoms but nothing to show for it. The period symptoms that feel like pregnancy symptoms (like is that some sick joke) the comments from other humans, the grief - it’s all too much!
Dear baby #2, sweet angel. I wanted you SO bad! I wanted to hear that thumping heartbeat, I wanted to feel you squirming, I wanted the sleepless nights, the back pain, I wanted to pick out your name, I wanted the cravings, I wanted to decorate your nursery, I wanted Olyvia to have you as a little, I wanted to feel the pain from childbirth, and I wanted to see your sweet face.
I have never been so aware of life happening at conception until I became a mom with baby #1 and mourned the loss of baby #2.
A loved one gave me a book called “grieving The Child I never knew”
Lauren - I love you. Thank you!
To all the women who can’t, all the ones who have and the struggles mommahood brings. and all the ones who have but are grieving - my heart goes out to you in a big way!
Lean on God, friends and family. Or share your thoughts. There is healing and bravery in vulnerability.
Love,
Pam
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